Dealing

Blogging just hasn't been happening much since my son-in-law died. I don't do any journaling either like I have done for most of my adult life...at the very least sporadically and often regularly. I have been trying to find the words to say anything about how I am doing, how I feel, how my daughter is doing, how my family is doing, etc. But the words just don't come. I am blocked and haven't been able to get anything written about anything at all of anything of any importance. I do write at www.mylot.com which is a social networking site based on starting and responding to discussions. But if you check it out and look at what I have done there, it is mostly responding rather than starting discussions. It is so much easier for me to just respond to something someone else already started discussing rather than trying to come up with something to say on my own. It is a lot of lighthearted and easy banter there.
Tonight I just wanted to try to blog about something and maybe even to try to blog about the more personal side. Funny, I can't do a private journaling. But for some reason I want to say something on a public blog.
On the main blog 'Talking It Over' I posted something my daughter had found and personalized for her myspace blog. I thought it was something so many people need to help them be there for friends and family going through various times of trial. And in so many ways, the things that her post says about how she is feeling and what she needs from her friends says the same things about me. It speaks what I have needed for several years, not because of someone close to me dying, but because of a marriage that died, a family that went through horrendous difficulties and is still dealing with difficulties, and the struggles I have gone through individually and as a result of the family issues as well. For the most part, I have felt that, other than Jesus who is always with me, I have gone through almost everything I have dealt with alone. And it has been that much harder because there weren't the people who tried to be there for me...or maybe they were there but they, too, were lost as to how they could help me. I have to give them the benefit of the doubt in that area. I know many have been praying for me over the years. But to be there with me face to face...that is another story.
One of the things that is really difficult for me these days with this most latest trial is that I am the Mom, the Grandma. I am the one who is here for my children and grandchildren to depend on and lean on during all of this. I lean on Jesus. But I really need to have someone to lean on that is flesh and blood right here that I can touch. Because I am weak. I have never been a strong person although many people think of me as being strong. I put up a good front I guess. But a lot of my physical ills are due to my body's reactions to all the stress I have dealt with in the past 15-20 years plus those things that I dealt with as a child growing up. I am not strong and my body is starting to 'leak' out of the places where the walls are cracking, like water leaking out through a dam. I think our bodies can only take so much stress, and when we have such a tremendous amount to deal with, the body carries what gets pushed aside for later. When I need to cry, I cry alone. When I need to laugh, I laugh alone. When I need to do anything that might help me get through some of this, I do it alone. I call on Jesus to give me His strength to get me through and most days it is a day by day, even minute by minute struggle to make it. I know without Jesus, I never would have made it as far as I have, and I wouldn't be here right now. I couldn't do it without Jesus. And I admit, I haven't done my part lately in keeping a healthy relationship with Him. I am well aware that I need to be back in church--somewhere--and I really want it to be my regular church home, but that is still difficult for me since I feel so abandoned by everyone I loved there. I also need to get back to regular daily reading and studying the Bible. I have always gone in spurts with doing that. I am glad I have a lot of it memorized, if not word for word, by part and message. But that isn't enough and I know it. I am worn out--exhausted. I have been carrying such a huge load and even though I try to do what we are told by Jesus to do...to give Him our burdens and trust Him, I have a hard time doing that. Don't we all? Actually, I often find it difficult to even know how to do it--how to let go and give everything over to Him to work out. Some things just hurt so much and it is hard to know if I have given it over or taken it back or never let go in the first place. Because the hurt remains and sometimes takes so long to heal. Having not totally gotten over many of the hurts of past struggles, now I have these new hurts. And as I said, I am the one who is here for my children to lean on, especially for my daughter to lean on. And I feel as though I am having to do this alone. And right now I could really use some human leaning posts of my own. I know that a big part of it could be that I am such a private person for the most part. Blogging publically has been something very new and a stretch for me to lay it out in the open about personal things. People don't really get to see or touch the me inside, the one that has all the hurts because I rarely let her show. I think that is the way many of us are. We hold up these false masks to cover up who we really are and how we really feel on the inside so everyone out there sees what we think we want them to see. I don't cry in front of people. I laugh and have a good time. If the situation calls for someone to take charge and do something to help...if I have to I jump in...sometimes because I want to....most times because it is just necessary. So I appear to be strong. People think I can handle things that really I can't. And if it weren't for Jesus in my life, I guarantee they would see someone totally different facing these struggles.
Right now, I just sometimes want to scream, to cry, to curl up in a corner and let out all the tears and pain. But it hurts to do that. A couple weeks ago I cried so hard about things that my chest hurt so bad I thought my heart would explode inside me. It doesn't help to have things going on physically that make my chest uncomfortable anyway. Having one of those episodes of crying where it just comes out of the depths of your soul, as healing as it can be, hurts really bad at the same time. It takes your breath away and you feel as though you won't get another deep breath again.
Having that happen when you are alone stinks. When you are sick and alone, it really can be frightening. That is when I need someone so much. But it would have to be someone who really really knew me because I would never allow myself to break down that much in front of most people. There really is only one person I can think of with whom I could allow my emotions to be released that much. And that person is not anywhere near where I am. Sometimes just being able to talk to someone who understands and listens would be so helpful. I have had to go back to counseling for this reason. I have reached a breaking point in my life...where I felt that if things continued as they were, I would end up falling apart and not be able to pick up the pieces. That happened a few weeks ago when part of my son's family was in a head on collision. Praise God no one was hurt and everyone was treated and released. It was a miracle they weren't hurt or killed. But it happened almost to the day and hour 3 months after my son-in-law was killed and that pretty much was the last straw for me.
What I would like to understand here is that I am trying to figure out why God has me going through so much stuff alone? I don't understand that at all. I figured past trials were because I was placing too much emphasis on other people rather than on Him and that He wanted me to know that He was the One to be trusting and relying on. I thought I had learned that lesson. I almost feel as though I have to fight just to make myself believe I am worth having someone in my life that I can lean on and count on when tough times come along. From the earliest times I can remember at age 3 when I was first being molested, I have struggled and battled trials alone. Yes, I have always known Jesus was with me, helping me and guiding me. But other people have people to help also. What has He chosen me to be or do that He allows these things for me to face without the benefit of people to help me through.
I don't want anyone to get the idea that I have lost my faith or that my faith is wavering. It's not. But I have questions that I can't answer. And I don't know where the answers are right now. Maybe there are no answers this side of heaven. I don't know why my daughter has no husband and her son has no father anymore. I don't know why he was not spared, but my son's family was not that I would have wanted my son's family to have been hurt or killed. I don't know why my children have to deal with such grief right now in their lives as they deal with the death of this one who was so loved and needed. And I don't know how to help, or how to stop helping if it gets to the point where I am being called on too much either for their good mental/emotional health or mine as well as my physical health. And I don't know how to help myself get through this alone. Each time I have had to go through a major struggle I have come away with new spiritual strengths and new understandings. Why does growth have to hurt so much?
I am working to try to regain as much of my health and physical strength as I can since getting sick more than 2 years ago. Everything that has happened to our family this summer has just seemed to be like a fierce whip that has lashed through us and attempted to steal away every bit of composure we have left. I am at a point in life where I just am not sure there is much more I can take. Even with Jesus living in me...even with His strength holding me up...I feel I am crawling on the ground just trying to make it along this pathway called life. And sometimes I feel as though I am blindly feeling around on the ground to find my glasses so I can try to see where I am going.
Oh Lord, is there no one who can be there for me to lean on? Isn't that why you made people in multiples rather than just one? So we would be able to reach out and help each other? Isn't that what you say in Ecclessiastes about how one alone is helpless but how two can do so much and a strand of three cords is not easily broken? Thank You, Lord for being there always for me. I couldn't have gotten this far without You. I know You will never leave me and you will never leave my children or grandchildren. I pray others find You through any example You can use of my life. But I really need that one who can be an added strength for me. You know who and when. Thank You, Amen.
Well, thanks for reading this, if you did. Say a prayer for my family if you would. My daughter can use all the prayers she can get. And so can the rest of us. Me too, obviously.